11 days off


11 days off before I go to US. Holy shit is probaly the only thing that is circulating in my mind.

10 hours time limit. I hope that I make the cut-off times. I woud be so dissapointed if I would not make it.
My stomach is all about butterflies and worrying thoughts right now. Since I always go alone on my races the only one I speak to is my self. So it is very hard when you get downhill in the negative mountain. On the other hand, I get a selfknowledge that is beyond the limits if I compare to young females in my own age.

I just take days as they comes. Training, bicikling, gymworkouts, long walks…whatever that comes in my mind.

The past months have been a big deep black hole that have eaten my motivation. Right now I try to survive on the crambles. It starting to get better. The reason for that is that I have put up some serious career goals that involves physical training aswell. You will find out more on the 11th February 2016 on what I will do. :) Hopefully the result will be good enough.

11 days out. If I survive this race within the time limit I will buy my self a startspot for Täby Extreme Challenge 50 miles to myself for christmas present. Over and out.. 11 days out. Focus mode start in 3…….2…..1…..

Posted in San Fransisco 50K 2015, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Umeå marathon 2015


Yep! Today was the day when I did my very first marathon! That will always be something special to me!
A bloke did his 369th marathon. He was finnish. Did you expected something else? Haha.

The marathon was held in Umeå City. It took me total time 9 hours by bus to get there!!

My running was very stable and good until the 25th km. I even crushed my halfmarathon time by 1 hour.
I passed the 21 km at 2h and 35 minutes. My last halftmarathon was at 3.47. Haha. Pretty big development right?

I did a rookie mistake. I should have got my own dropbags by the waterstations. They had only sportdrinks and water by the stations. Even if they were every 4th km my body did not cope very well 42 km on only fluids. The last station did had dextrosol and bananas but I energycrashed at the 25 th km. I am not used to run that long only on fluids.
Good to know until USA.

I managed to run until 35th km then I seriosly hitted a BIIIIIIIIIIIG WALL!
I was aiming for 5.30 hours and I was on my good way to make that…until the wall came. There was stop. So fucking stop. It was higher than the Berlin wall and that Chinese thing together.


Suddenly I dropped from 7.30 km pace to 14.55 km pace. I lifted the other foot after an other and slowly….singing on american military parade songs (why do I know them? Haha)..very slowly I managed to cross the finnish line at time 6.28 h.

Thank god there were no cut off time. If I would have break the race at 35 km as I wanted, I would probaly not have raced again.

A giant big thank you to the sweet people that hosted me this weekend. Even if they have never met me before. I love you!!!

Now ..I am gonna sleep until I am taking the buss home tomorrow to my village. :-)

//big bearhugs ♡♡♡

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Umemaran 2015

 have just turned my whole room upside down!

Packing anxiety!!! BIGTIME!

So tomorrow I am off work because I am going to sit in a bus for 8 hours, sleep at a house with people I have never met, run 42 km (hopefully) and then sit in a bus for 8 hours back to my village.

My best but also my worst skill is that I often do things without so much actually think to much about them. I just do it. Then I realise if I have succeeded or if it was a flop. But from something bad, it also comes something good. For example I have become the master of creativity when things goes wrong. A real problem solver. :D

Like signing up for this marathon. People use to spend months to train to marathons, except for me. I just go…meeeh what the heck! Lets see what it leads to.
I do believe learning by doing is a thing. This has probaly been more of my lifestyle theese days. I am not scared, but I do admit I have been better planning on some things.
Like when I was study to become an electrician. I spent 3 years in school to gain the highest grades, worked my ass of for 2 years to find a job in the industry, left my favourite country which I have moved to, only to move back to Sweden and realise after 6 months that this was absolutly not what I wanted to work with. That bomb was…a big bomb. After that I probaly learned more to go with the flow with everything. That is my way of living now.

I am actually doing this marathon just to experience how my body will do on this type of distance. So I can correct the errors before my US trip.

Right now I am running around in my packing chaos. I am not sure what I will wear on the raceday, or which shoes…which lead me to even more panick.


The Race arrenger: Jalles TC (a running club) is probaly the sweetest people ever! I emailed them a couple of weeks ago to ask if I could rent their clubhouse or something. Because every hostel/hotel that was in my prizecategory was totally full booked. So they emailed their clublist and asked if anybody could host me. So within 1 hour I had a sleeping space to sleep in with a older couple.
I have never mer them, they have never met me. But they wanted to host me and open the door their home!! Sweet people!
I am trying to think of what to buy to show my appreciation! Any suggestions!?

Now I going to dive in to my packing chaos!!

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3rd place at Solviksloppet 2015


YEAH! This medal feels amazing! I sleept like shit the day before but I did my best time ever.

Solviksloppet was a small tiny local contest arranged by Bromma IF at 3rd of october, but I decided to go there anyway even if it was far away.
It was a 4 km race which also resultet that my landlord joined me to the race. Yay! I have previously been alone at my races.

I finnished the distance within 26.50 minutes! Not bad for beeing a fat elephant.

What did boggered me is that my friend got a far better time than me. He is not superfit but the running seems so damn fucking easey to him. I train my ass of and I still struggle 10 months later even if I have developed a bit. I try to not let that down to me and live on the feeling that even my teammates in my runningclub have mentioned that I developed a lot lately.

It was a nice day after all! Sunny…and warm. :)

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Black River Run 20 Miles Midnight Run


Wooooop woooop! I crossed the finnish line on Black River Run Midnight run 20 miles (32KM)! I beated my last time on this distance with 49 minutes! 5.31 was my time tonight.

The start was at 00.00. There were only 7 wierdos who started. It was realley fun to run alongside the 100 mile race who were going on at the same time!

Earlier this week I was not sure if I was should run this race because my problems with muscles in the lower back. Doc gave me medication through shots in my bum. It was realley bad earlier this week so that I needed to go to the AE (again).

On thursday I felt so shit of my new medication I got last week which I need to eat for the next 8 weeks.
The only I did that day was to sleep and puek that day.. Slowly my brain started to get back to reality on saturday morning. I decided that I should start anyway. I reminded my self that if I feel the tiny pain of my lower back, I cancel the race. There were no reason of not to try to start since the race were in my neighbourhood town and the starting fee was realley expensive.

I arrived at 22.30 to pick up my startingnumber. 1.5 hours left to the start.
When I arrived I got notified from the board that I needed a pacer. That is a runner who run with you but usually not compete. The reason got my pissed of at the society!!!
Earlier the evening, female runners have been assaultet pretty bad from drunk strangers along the way of the racing track. So that why there were pairing up us together with a pacer,especially the female runners.
I cant freakin f*cking believe that this can happend in Sweden 2015.

Most 100 miles runner have one since you get pretty fucked up in the brain after a while when you run that far. But since I was running so “short” I though I did not need anyone. Escpecially not for this type of safetyreasons.

I got a “competing” pacer who did not cared about his time.
He was the most swetest perso  ever. You get to know a person very good when you runnig with them for several hours.
I felt realley stressed when I found out that I needed a pacer. I though I will drag his time down so much because I am slower than the slowest turtoise. But he did not care at all! It was good running with someone actually.

The best part is that I did not had any bad mental thoughs between 21 km and 27 km. That is usually when my retarded brain kicks in and telling me how bad I am at running. That I am the slowest and fatest elephant. Etc….etc….
But nothing now! The only I started to feel was my feet and the ankles. That was the only part that hurted o my body! I were scared to death that the backpain will kick in and that I needed to cancel the race. But nothing there either. The meds were realley working this timw.

It was so liberating! I have loaded very well. Good food. Good sleep. Even if sleeping properly is hard for a race that starts 00.00

My dream of becoming an ultra runner is slowly coming closer. In one year or two I will be the one who are standing and taking the 1st, 2nd or 3rd price. It might not be tomorrow. It might not be in a few moths. But soon enough!! If you want it bad enough you will get it! Now I will load for the USA race. I need to find some smaller competitions here in Sweden. If you know anyone. Give me a shout!

Now I am going to take care of my poor paws!!


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Vildmarksloppet 2015


A bit late update from Vildmarksloppet in Bjursårs. This was my absolut first 32 km ever! 5th September 2015.

I was so nervous. I rented a car from Statoil as usual and drove by my self up to Bjursås straight from work.. I slept at the most cutest hostel ever.


It called Proselingården and I payed 200 SEK for a night. I was the only guest there so it was realley creepy to sleep alone in this old house.

I arrived first at the contest on the racing day.


This was the view from the startingpoint. I felt from the start that this would go shitty.
I had planned very bad with the food, the sleep and I were mentally stressed for other reasons. I was litterally out of shape. :-/

The race were totally 32 km. I made a good time to the first checkpoint. Then the hell broke loose. I ranned in to some bloody runningwall. The only thing that loopet in my head was how fat I was. How I felt like a giant elefant comparing to the other runners.

Slowly I passed the kilometres. I was sooooooo freaking last. Several hours behind everybody else. But the racevolontears was the most sweetest ever! The last village I ranned by in the mountains did a wave to my by the road. I realley loved Dalarna and how sweet everybody were.


Piggy friends! Soooo sweet!


Narure in Bjursås, Dalarna County.


One of many sneaky holes. I managed to get stuck in one of them. Sneakey bastard mud.


Just a small taste of what will come later. The next hole was over my knees. I fell realley badly so I got a memory scar on my left knee.

I ranned…cried…ranned…cried for my self. During the raxe I felt like the biggest and fatest loser by them all. I was so mentally down in my dark hole. Escpessially after I fell for the 6th time and got stuck in the forst. One of the race volonteers realley cheered my up by litterally banged in the information that I was a winner of my self.

Then I though. Mayby the first race long race is supposed to get shitty. If I have never done it… how can I possible know what to work on in able to success?

This race was a success. The volonteers and the people made me feel like a winner even if I was last.

I have been taking notes on what I need to work on for my next 32km race. Woop! Bring it on life!


My goal picture. 6.20 hours! Bleh.

After the race I rested a bit and immideatly drove alone by myself.

It does suck to be lonely on this trip to my athlete career. I see everybody have friends or family waiting by the goalline. It gives me some flashbacks to my graduation before I was going to high school when nobody turned up for me..Worst day of my life.

What doesnt kill you make you stronger. But I do realise this is a journey I need to do alone. But I do still dreaming of someday having somebody waiting for me by the finnishline.

Until that day comes. I do realise I need to survive on my own.

I am a fighther. I am a survivor. Bring it life! #bearpower

Posted in Vildmarksloppet 2015 | 3 Comments

Conquer your fear


Today I have conquered my biggest fear! Something that is giving me nightmares.

Today I have runned my first practise with a runningclub. I have wanted for a long time to join a runningclub but for me it is not the easy.
I realley hated when people tried to make me to go to different classes when I still trained at a normal gym. I tried for 3-4 times different classes, bodycombat, yoga, box, step. Everytime they ended up in panick attacks and tears.

Training in group is my biggest fobia. I could survive when I trained american football, but the difference was that you were covered in gears so no one see who you are. But notice that I wrote: survived.

What happends when I do things like I did today is that my trauma memories from PE class comes back. I was always to slow, so clumsy. I have several hard memories when I was pushed down to the ground and people threw basketballs at me.
I graduated from year 9 with an F in PE (idrott och hälsa) because the last two years I did not turned up at a single PE class. Exercise to me was equal fearnand tears to my back then.

The difference came in high school when a PE teacher believed in me, or in a better word: he was an ambitious teacher and saw my fear for this school subject. But that requiered that he had private classes with me so I did not freaked out when I was in a group. That was the only option to pass PE in high school.

He noticed me for my strenght ( I was big and clumsy but natural strong). So he gave me the idea of powerlifting. From that it turned out to american football. And in january 2015 a fix idea of running turned in to a passion.
A very lonely passion …but it was nice. No one was there. Only me and the forest.
No words of how ugly you were.

Today…finally at last I have managed to drag my ass to a running club that I wanted to try to run in.
I finnished work. But I still had my douts. I felt the panick and missed the first buss. I took the 2nd instead. I came earley to training.

The guys were so sweet. We were only 4 in the slow group. One guy kept running with me even if I stopped and needed to walk. It wasn’t to bad since it was only for of us. I have a long way to work on my mental part when it comes to running. But taking the first step to a serious runningclub is a good one for me. Now I have the rest of the steps to finnish.

Have a nice evening everyone.

Posted in Daily life | 2 Comments